Once we got to Sacred Heart, the doctors were preparing us for all the possible scenarios. We had to decide what to do. I just remember that night praying, "Lord, I don't know how to handle this, but you do. Just please take care of this for us." We could still hear a strong heartbeat on the baby, so that was good. What we didn't know was when I would actually deliver. With my water breaking, we knew we could not stop it. Whatever was going to happen, would happen. The doctors had said that sometimes the amniotic fluid can build back up around the baby, but they were concerned, because they don't want you to go a long time after your water breaks without having the baby. This allows infection to set in. All this was in my mind. I didn't know how we were going to handle it. We started talking to our family about what we would do if the baby was born alive. The doctors said it may even be too small to inject needles along with everything else that they would need to do.
I dozed off and on during the night. The next morning the pain was back and my contractions were closer together. Around lunch, they came in to check the heartbeat. I was kind of in and out all morning, but I remember very vividly when they had me hooked up to the machine. I heard no heartbeat. At that moment, I knew the Lord had answered our prayers. I did not know what we were going to be faced with, but He did. He had already taken care of everything. I know this must sound strange, but I had such a peace come over me when I didn't hear the heartbeat. I knew it was that "peace that passeth all understanding."
Not long after, the nurses were asking me if I was ready to try to deliver the baby. I remember thinking, "How can I have this baby when it's not even alive." That was probably the hardest thing I went through. Knowing I was going to have to work to get it here, and not have anything to take home with me when I left that hospital. After I had the baby, we were told it was a boy. Our firstborn baby was a little boy. We had already decided on a boy name. He would be named after Ben, and we were going to call him "Ben David." We were able to hold this precious tiny baby boy in our arms. I checked him out from head to toe. He was actually bigger in pounds than the doctors had previously guessed he would be. He was 1 pound and 4 ounces and 11 inches long. He was completely perfect, just a little too small to survive this cruel world.
On the way home, I couldn't help but to wonder why this had to happen to us. I know you're not supposed to question God, but I couldn't help but to wonder why. Five years have passed and I still don't know why we had to go through that terrible trial. However, I do know that God has a purpose for all things. I don't understand how non-Christians can go through situations like that. How do they survive it? How do they have the desire to pull themselves from the bed to even start a new day. I was able to do it because God was my STRENGTH during those terrible days that followed the death of our baby.
I think the Lord intends for us to learn from the trials that we go through, and to also be able to minister to someone else one day that may go through the same thing we've gone through. I think He wants us to lay every thing down for Him and just fall into His arms and let Him supply us the strength we need to get through tough times. So many times we try to "fix" everything ourselves and we just end up making a bigger mess than it really is. In the end, we should learn to just trust Him more. Something I've learned from going through this is to "not sweat the small stuff." I see people worry about some things that aren't even serious enough to worry about. I have to remind myself often to not worry about little things that do not matter. We women know how to get worked up over the smallest things. Also, I've learned that we're not in control of anything. As much as we'd like to think we are, we're one breath away from any type of situation that can change our life forever. Ben and I thought we were in control of our lives. The Lord showed us in a matter of hours that HE was in charge of our life. We have no say in it whatsoever.
We had so many people lifting us up in prayer daily, sending cards, and visiting us. We couldn't have gotten through that time without all the prayers. I remember little Allie was just 3 years old when this happened. (Ty's age) Wow! She really didn't understand what was happening, but she just knew that her Aunt Mendy was sad and cried a whole lot. She wouldn't say very much at first when we came home. She didn't know how to react to me, but I can remember her seeing me cry and she would keep the kleenexes coming. She was so sweet. She would just bring me a Kleenex. Isn't it sweet how God uses little children to help dry our tears and comfort us when we're hurting? I'll never forget how sweet she was to me during those sad days.
After six months, we learned we were pregnant again! We had no doubt that the Lord was going to bless us with precious babies. Nine months later, Ty Benjamin Clark arrived on the scene and hasn't slowed down yet. I know that had we not experienced what we did, little Ty would not be with us. I can't even begin to imagine my life without this little fireball of energy. So, here we are five years after that horrible day, with two precious boys! We have been doubly blessed! We know Ben David is in a much better place than we can imagine, and that he will be waiting for the rest of his family to join him. Thanks so much for reading our story. I hope it can encourage someone that maybe going through a difficult time in their life right now.
